I led a very bland life up to the age of 15; but after that it became quite "the ride" I must say. Most of the situations I went through were self-induced.
I often created my own adventures at the expense of everyone else in my life: my family, friends, and husbands.
I graduated from a Christian High School in 1984. By the age of 18 I was attending college but loathing every ounce of it. I dropped out of college at age 19 or so AND married for the 1st time by age 19.
1985: Marriage #1. This was the beginning of my "addiction" to men, and most importantly...sex. There were no boundaries in my mind. Every man was fair game, married or not.
My first round of affairs began in this marriage. One man after the other.
My goal: to "tag" men and ultimately have sex with them. Once I had sex with them I moved onto the next man...or should I say "target".
By age 20 not only was I divorced I also dropped out of college. The marriage lasted about 16 months. I lost my home, my dog, Charlie, and all of my dignity; however, my loss of dignity was merely temporary.
I moved back home with my parents already looking for my next relationship. Why did I marry Husband #1? Of course, I didn't want to be lonely! Sounded reasonable enough to me (at the time). 1987: Divorce #1. I brought much shame and disgrace upon my family, especially my parents!
1990: Marriage #2. I met my 2nd husband after being physically attacked by a man whom was never caught. You ask, "What are you talking about, Karen?" Well, his sister was a good friend of mine.
She didn't want to see me be alone the night of the attack so she took it upon herself to call her brother, Greg. Greg came to my rescue that very same night and never left my apartment from that point forward.
We have a "default" love. I was there. He was there. Made sense to continue with a relationship.
I was 24 years old when Greg and I married, and we had our daughter, Hannah, in 1992. Shortly after Hannah was born I began several extramarital affairs all the while being married to Greg. So much for having any dignity for myself! I was right back to my old tricks.
When Greg found out what was happening he had forgiven me rather quickly. I, on the other hand, had an overwhelming desire to keep scouting for different men.
The marriage dissolved and by 1995 I was divorced for the second time. Did I feel bad? Yes and no.
It meant I had to start over again, but in a strange, twisted way that sounded oddly invigorating! 1995: Divorce #2
2000: Marriage #3. I was 34 years old and remarried for a 3rd time. What was I thinking????
I know what I was thinking...I finally met the man of my dreams. A very likeable, well-educated professional. He was perfect...or so I thought for quite some time.
Honestly, my libido and lust for men was in full tilt by this time. Again I was on the prowl but married AGAIN and beginning my umpteenth extramarital affair three weeks after saying, "I do" to my third husband. No boundaries. No rules. No nothing. What Karen wanted Karen got. 2008: Divorce #3
So...did I learn anything at that point from my past mistakes as a 42 year old woman? Nope, sadly.
August 2010: I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired of my radically fulfilling lifestyle.
I broke off a 15-year relationship with a man I was in love with but who I was also involved with through my last two marriages.
I KNEW I had to get rid of everything that tied me down to my past so he was the first to go!
I cut things off with him "cold turkey" style. Funny thing, as dysfunctional as that relationship was I never cheated on him.
Again, in August 2010 something had to give...and fast! At the invite of a coworker I decided to attend a little local church (it has only 12 pews -- YES 12!).
I began attending this little one-room church house wholeheartedly believing that recommitting myself to Christ was EXACTLY what was needed and missing in my life!
And THAT is where my journey finally began. I was 44 years old and surrendered myself to the Lord. PRAISE GOD!!!!
Life changing events have occurred within me since that time. Incredible personality changes took place.
Desires removed. Priorities were re-shifted. The Lord finally came first.
For once I wanted more than to fulfill my own needs, wants and desires. It became more of Him and less of me!!!
My mind set has COMPLETELY changed. My outlook has changed. EVERYTHING has changed from the inside out. I continue to develop a deeper and deeper relationship with God.
I have been "man free" (LOL) for over a year. The emphasis has been my relationship with God.
Sure, I would love nothing more than to be in a relationship right now BUT I know that will happen in due time. I would love to get married. That, too, I KNOW will happen when God feels I am prepared.
Submissiveness has a new meaning to me. Marriage is permanent and a holy partnership.
I have surrounded myself with strong Christian people. I have forgiven myself...finally....of all of my wrong doings.
I have returned to people and apologized. I have done as much as I could to take responsibility for my past actions. NOW...I am moving forward and chasing after God and His will for me.
I am not perfect. I still have a stubborn streak in me. I can still be strong willed but NOTHING like how I use to be.
I was a jerk in the past but now, that "jerkness" has faded away. PRAISE GOD!!!
It was August 13, 2011 that God (sorry for my frankness) but it was on that day that the Lord took away my sex drive...or at least put it into hibernation mode. PRAISE GOD! I give Him ALL the glory for removing that from me.
Now, I can focus on God at a new and more intimate level. No distractions except for the day to day stuff that the enemy dishes out. Purity is a focus of mine until I remarry.
I am at such peace with where I am at now in life. Peace, I tell you!!! WOW! First time ever!!! I am 45 years old now and finally living a committed life to Christ every day of the week.
I do my best to be an encouragement to others since I never had anyone like that in my life.
My family allowed me to do as I pleased without ever talking to me. Had only one person sat down with me and said, "What in the world are you doing, Karen?" I most likely would have stopped in my tracks.
But that never happened.
It took a series of life changing events to force me on my knees and say, "Lord, I am all Yours. Do as You please." Full surrender to Him also took place on August 13. That was a magical day for me in ways that I cannot yet articulate.
The past 14 months has been crazy and wonderful! I still have made mistakes but nothing like the past.
It's all a learning curve and I am so thankful for the learning that is taking place. I wouldn't change it for the world.
I am being slowly being refined into the person God has always intended me to be -- I just took a 23 year detour. Ouch! LOL
So, I am excited about all of the things that God is doing and will be doing in my life. I am meeting great people such as yourself and for that I am sooooo extremely blessed! I love it! Connecting with people all over the world. WOW! WOW! WOW!
My daughter just turned 19 on September 21. Now, the time has come where I am free to do as the Lord leads...where ever He leads me. I am willing to relocate...do what I need to do to bring God ALL of the glory!!!!
If you'd asked me in July 2010 if I had any idea that my world was about to radically change...I would've chuckled and said, "Probably not." But, boy oh boy, was I wrong!!!
I love my life though I going through some really challenging things. I try to keep a good perspective and know that this is ALL going to work its way out for the good. NO DOUBT IN THIS GIRL'S MIND!
So, I wait patiently on the Lord.
I am waiting for that husband who demands that God be the priority in his life. A man who will prayer with me and for me. A man who understands what the phrase "head of household" really means. A man who walks the walk and talks the talk.
As you can tell, being in a relationship is a strong desire of mine, but I can wait as long as I need to. I have committed myself to helping others to forgive themselves of adultery (emotional and/or physical).
I am a work in progress. But aren't we all?
Well, there you have it....the ugly of the ugly. My journey. My life. But now I am beginning to live in freedom in the fullness of God, and THAT is VERY COOL!
May I add that if you are dealing with a similar situation and find a confidant to talk to.
I would love nothing more then to see you free from the bondage you are in. You don't have to live that way.
God has only your best in mind. Trust Him. Lean on Him. YOU can have the freedom I have. I promise you you will not regret a minute of it!!!
Blessings, hugs and joy abound!
Karen
