I was raised as Church of England and Mum took my sister and me to church every Sunday. When I was about 15 or 16 I started growing away from church and eventually stopped going.
I met Greg (my future husband) when I was 17. I have always been a very shy, dependant person which was probably one of the reasons I was attracted to him because he was very dominant. I was happy to let him tell me what to do and have him make all the decisions.
As a child all I wanted when I grew up was to get married and have a family of my own. Greg and I were married on 30th April 1977. I was 19 he was 20. I knew that he was a big drinker but I was under the mistaken impression that once we were married he would change. I didn't realise he was heading towards being an alcoholic and all the heartache it would bring.
My first child (Matthew) was born in 1978. Three years later Tim was born and then Alyce.
Even though I was married, I was essentially a single parent. When Greg wasn't working he spent all his time at the pub. Then he would come home, usually when the kids were asleep, and if he was in a bad mood I would bare the brunt of his anger. He would put his fist through the wall or yell scream throw stuff at me and hit me. If his dinner wasn't hot or not to his liking it would end up thrown against the wall.
I eventually learned to keep my mouth shut when he came home until I determined what mood he was in and how drunk he was. We had no life. he went to the pub and spent all our money while I was left at home with the kids. I was even too scared to make a decision without asking him first.
Greg was Catholic but never went to church and really didn't believe in God but he did want his kids brought up Catholic. They were all christened Catholic but I realised it would be up to me to raise them that way. I started going to classes at the catholic church near my house to learn more about their religion. I was eventually talked into changing my religion by one of the nuns and on Easter Sunday 1988 I became a Catholic. I did everything for my kids the Catholic way and went to a Catholic church for a long time but never really felt fulfilled and didn't like their rituals. I felt like an outsider so I eventually stopped going.
In the meantime my sister never gave up on me and every so often I would go to her church (New Heart Christian Church). I think I knew all those years ago that that was where I wanted to be but I didn't have the courage to stand up to my husband. he was so against me having anything to do with that church because we were Catholic. It wasn't until he became really sick and actually asked my nephew if he could see the pastor that he could finally see the truth.
Greg died in March 2004, needing a liver and kidney transplant. So many people including me were constantly praying for him to get better but it didn't happen. I could quite easily have turned my back on God but a couple of hours before Greg died, I was alone with him in intensive care, talking to him. There was no one else in the room but I felt a hand touching me on the shoulder. I turned around but no one was there. I immediately knew God was there with me, standing right beside me. I can't explain the feeling that came over me but I could feel His presence. I knew he would never leave me alone, and to this day He hasn't! Even though I've been on a roller-coaster and I haven't been the perfect "child", I can feel His love and forgiveness!!
He has done so much for me since that day in the hospital. My sister told me that "God has plans for my life but he couldn't do anything with Greg here". That made me feel really bad and made me think it was my fault he died, but when I look back over the last 7 years, I know she was right.
I have always believed in God but I didn't know I could have a personal relationship with him. I know now that because Jesus died for ME on the cross, that's not only possible but a reality in my life.
He brought me to New Heart Christian Church, to beautiful Christians who I know love me. He placed me in my small group bible study with the exact people he knew would help me grow stronger and more confident.
I thank God that my sister never gave up on me...she once told me she didn't want to go to heaven without me. She is such a beautiful person and has been trying for years, just like God has, to get my attention but for me it took a tragedy like losing Greg to finally make me listen. I know I am becoming a stronger person, day by day.
He has given me the confidence to go to TAFE and to attempt and succeed at things that I never thought I was capable of. I think I am slowly becoming the person He originally planned for me to be - and I think that makes God smile!!
He has given me my beautiful grandson, Isayah. He is a very precious gift and he makes up for all the bad times.
Most of all He has given me His love and I now realise just how much I love Him. I am in the process of becoming a completely different person and I know He is with me every step of the way.
